with Brenda Murphy

Tuesday, the 19th of June 2007

cindy: Welcome everyone

cindy: Our guest speaker this evening is Brenda Murphy, she specializes in ADHA and other behavior disorders, Brenda please tell us a little something about yourself

Brenda : I am the Founder of the Georgia Centre for Parental Coaching. I have just written a book. I work with clients across the country in helping parents understand how to deal with the behavior of "challenging" children. I also teach Psychology at the College level to Nursing students.

cindy: what are a few suggestions do have for parents of challenging children

Brenda : First, post rules. Second, do not scream. Third, consequences work, punishment does not.

cindy: what kind of consequences have you found works best

Brenda : Logical consequences are the best. Ex: If your child breaks a rule, simply say, "Oops, broke a rule. Tonight you will go to bed a half hour early." Make the consequence fit the infraction whenever possible.

chatadmin: What suggestions do you have for parnets who are concerned about manipulation .. or playing one parent against the other?

Judy: Can you explain the difference in consequesces vs. punishment?

Brenda : This is a great question! Triangulation is not going to happen when BOTH parents agree and are VERY clear that they will present a united front. No divide and conquer strategies must work.

Brenda : Consequences are meaningful. Consequences are when you speed. The police officer gives you a ticket. He doesn't preach at you-he just gives you a ticket. Punishment HURTS. It does not work. The studies bear this out over and over.

lorraine: - has joined the chat -

cindy: what happens when the child doesn't care about the consequences, such has the lost of something

Brenda : The consequence must have enough of a "sting" to be remembered. Example: You ask your child to walk the dog. She refuses. She pitches a huge hissy fit. She calls you names. You are angry but you remind her that she will lose her guitar for a few days, so she needs to go get it, play it for 3 minutes and then hand it over. Send her to her room. Until she walks the dog, her privileges are "frozen."

Brenda : Whenever a child refuses to comply with a request they are "stuck" in that time of day until they comply. Even if you must serve them breakfast for lunch and dinner, they are "frozen" in time until they comply.

cindy: what about younger children

Brenda : Here's the thing: parents feel this need to "clamp down" on behavior they do not like. This is understandable, but resist overpowering them. For younger children, removing their favorite toys or videos usually gets their attention.

Brenda : Kids respond well to praise (not compliments, praise) and NOTICE every teeny tiny thing that they get RIGHT. You'll get a lot more of what's right!

cindy: how do you handle a child with ODD

Brenda : I LOVE ODD kids! They are bright and high spirited. Believe it or not, they are EXTREMELY sensitive, so use a three basket approach. Basket One: Safety issues. These are NEVER negotiable. Basket 2: Work on 1 or 2 goals at the time. Praise what they get RIGHT. This creates a sense of success and they crave this positive attention. Basket 3: This is the nice to have behavior, but it can wait until the more prosocial ones take root.

Brenda : Work diligently to decode the message behind the behavior. What they are seeking is a sense of connection. Did you know that children are criticized 80% of the time and only praised 20%? We can do better than that.

chatadmin: Brenda, Show us how this works for the who has had several placements and struggling with trust issues..

chatadmin: child

Brenda : Trust issues are the most difficult to address because of the fundamental wounding to the child's heart. With these kids, please, please, please look BEHIND the behavior to see what they are actually asking for. ALL behavior tells us something. Behavior never lies. Keep the rules CLEAR. Enforce the rules CONSISTENTLY. Use the "emotion" words frequently: EXAMPLE: "I see that your feelings are hurt. Let's talk about it when YOU are ready." Don't push or crowd these children. They CRAVE connection but they do not trust it will be there consistently.

Brenda : Say, "I hear you." "I see how that bothers you." "I FEEL for you." Use sensory words as often as possible to create a connection in the child's brain. It's a neuro-linguistic thing.

chatadmin: Parents can really benefit from that information.

chatadmin: Thanks...

Brenda : Here is one of the most powerful statements on the planet: "Even wild horses cannot stop me from seeing the good in you or the brilliance in you. Nothing can keep me from noticing your best qualities!"

cindy: that is a great statement,

Brenda : It is powerful and kids hear it!

cindy: do you have any special tips for parents with teens, many of them have been moved from home to home

Brenda : Teens are interesting for many reasons, but their brain is literally NOT fully wired until they are age 25. They process emotion in the back part of the limbic system, which is our emotional and memory centers. What is your teen doing? ?

Shannon H: - has joined the chat -

Brenda : P.S. The prefrontal lobe is our "executive center" and it is the part of the brain that puts the brakes on impulsivity and helps us conceptualize consequences to our actions.

lorraine: Do you have any advice on parenting children with ADHD with extreme impulse issues. Would you use the same discipline techniques and consequences? ?

Shannon H: So does this prefrontal lobe develop last in teens? Sometimes they are soooo impulsive!

Brenda : Great question. ADHD is famous for the impulsivity - and, of course, distractability. What these kids need are: A clear set of written rules. Efficient administration of consequences. If you will beging to "notice" all that your impulsive child gets right and consequence in a very calm "matter of fact way" the rules they break, you ought to see an improvement. Have you been to the CHADD.org site? ?

cindy: we are about out of time do you have any last questions to ask Brenda?

Brenda : The prefrontal lobe is the last part of the brain to be fully wired. It happens around age 25.

Brenda : There is a lot of information available on my website. Am I allowed to say the address? ?

lorraine: No, I have not visited the CHADD website but thanks for the information. I will visit.

Judy: What is the title of your book and where can you find it? Also, what is the focus of the book?

cindy: if we could just make the kids understand that it would be great. by age 16 they think they know everything

Brenda : CHADD is a phenomenal organization and don't forget to check out ADDResources, too!

cindy: Brenda, please tell us about your web with address and about your new book

cindy: Brenda, please tell us about your web with address and about your new book

Brenda : My book is titled "101 ADHD-ADD" LifeTips and is available on Amazon.com or Barnes and Noble. com

Brenda : www.parentcoachingcenter.com

Shannon H: The Center has it in their library, right?

Brenda : The website is constantly updated. Yes, the Center has a copy of the book.

Brenda : Feel free to sign up for a free newsletter and read the archives of the old ones. There are a ton of those.

Brenda : Judy, the book is literally 101 tips to make life go smoother for the ADHD individual.

Judy: Thanks - I have 3 boys with ADHD so I will definitely check out your book!

cindy: thank you so much Brenda, your information this is wonderful, and a great resource of information

Shannon H: Thank you for all of the valuable information!

Shannon H: - has left the chat -

Brenda : You are welcome. I have enjoyed this so much. You are all welcome!

cindy: I want to thank you again for being our guest. I hope you have a great evening and perhaps you would come back for another chat