with Jeanne Montgomery, MA

Tuesday, the 9th of October 2007

cindy: Welcome everyone, I would like to introduce Jeanne Montgomery, she is a licensed therapist,

cindy: Welcome, Jeanne, would you tell us a little bit about yourself and the work that you do

Veda: - has joined the chat -

jmont46: Yes- I am a family therapist in private practice. I specialize in working with adoptive families

jmont46: I am also an adoptive parent oa a 21 year old from Chile

jmont46: My topic tonight is talking to your child about adoption in the latency period

cindy: What is the no one question that your children ask?

Veda: Hello Jeanne. What would be considered the latency period?

jmont46: Many adoption experts now say that adoptied adolescents fare as well as or better than their non adopted peer but lage behind in the latency period

jmont46: - has left the chat -

jmont46: Between 7 to 12

jmont46: - has joined the chat -

jmont46: I got cut off sorry

jmont46: Many experts think children in latency period lag behind in school, school adjustment and self esteem

Kim: - has joined the chat -

jmont46: This is the time they are beginning to understand what adoption means

Veda: Would you say that children in this age group, 7-12 tend to ask more questions about adoption?

jmont46: Yes or they are thinking about adoption but are afraid to say anything

jmont46: THey are meeting the world with all it's prejudices and may see adoption as something bad

cindy: How can parents make it easier to for the children to talk openly to them

jmont46: First- by asking them if they think about birth family or wonder about what kind of people they are

jmont46: To be open to hearing questions like why did she give me up ? Kids sometimes think something was wrong with them to be given up for adoption

jmont46: SOmetimes kids feel depressed on birthday, mother's day or holidays- sad maybe more than depressed but these times raise issues about belonging

jmont46: Any thoughts?

Veda: Do you think a Support group for this age group would be helpful?

cindy: what are some of the things that parents can do or say to help them feel safe and understand

jmont46: Yes - my daughter was in one at the giving tree but she ended up being the only one who came after awhile- but I think it could be helpful

jmont46: SOme adoption professionals think this period is the time to get info about birth family or even meet them

Veda: Yes, the support groups don't always seem to take off. Any thoughts on how we could help parents see the benefit of support groups, i.e. being with others who have similar questions/issues.

cindy: do you find that children in this age group deal with it differently if they are adopted during this age frame?

jmont46: When you adopt a child at 7 or older they can remember their past and have more information

jmont46: They may have more information

cindy: many times their memories are of foster homes

jmont46: Yes that is true - not the birth family- knowing about the birth family before adolscence is this helps them seperate and form their own identity from two families

Shannon H: Is it appropriate to go back to their past foster homes (if it seems like a positive experience) and let them ask questions there as well? It seems it would fill in the blanks. Good idea or bad?

jmont46: I think it is always good to get information about ones history - good or bad

jmont46: My daughter says there is a VERY fine line between letting kids know you will talk to them vs pushing them to talk (she is sitting next to me)

pssinatl: - has joined the chat -

Kim: I agree I always ask my daughter if she wants to talk about it and so far she does'nt.

Veda: What would be an example of "Pushing them to talk"?

jmont46: Carolina says that I would make every issue be about adoption even if it was a regular kid issue

pssinatl: Sorry for joining late. We have very little information about BPs -- are there any "surrogates", like trying to identify BPs who have made adoption plans for their children, who might be willing to talk to our son? I think he really wants to know more about why BPs would make an adoption plan.

Shannon H: but thatiseasy to do when you are trying to be supportive.

Veda: It sounds like it might be good for parents to rule out all of the regular kid issues as being the problem before asking the child if they are thinking of their adoption/birth family/foster family...?

jmont46: I agree that not every issue is about adoption

jmont46: In response to "surrogates" I think you can talk to hims about some of the reasons why birth parents give up children for adoption -

jmont46: Can you get more info through agency

cindy: pssinatl We have some very good books and videos in our library

jmont46: Good idea-

cindy: that can help with talking to your son about adoption

Veda: I know of a mom who took her child back to her adoption agency to see the worker who had placed her and who had also provided birth parent counseling to her birth parent. The child had lots of questions...some the mom had even answered before but hearing it from the social worker worked for this child at that time...she was 9 years old.

pssinatl: Tks all -- these are really good ideas

jmont46: THese are all good ideas- the point is to help your child with his identity which comes from two families

Shannon H: how neat to even find the same social worker with so much turnover in the agencies.

Veda: What suggestions do you have for parents who may have adopted an infant and are fearful of approaching the "adoption" questions?

jmont46: When I do homestudies I always recommend that parents talk about adoption from the beginning

jmont46: I encourage them to say to their baby that they are so glad they adopted her

Shannon H: So I guess the basic message is to be prepared but not to over-react as a parent and your child will be more comfortable, maybe?

cindy: Considering that many of our children have been abused how can you help them to understand that they don't have to be like them, and still understand that they are not to blame for they parents behavior

jmont46: I think being honest about the birth parents history- If they birth mother is an addict- teach about addiction as a disease- and reassure them they are not to blame

jmont46: If there is mental illness- the same- kids deserve to know the truth about their birth family

jmont46: THere is going to be pain and loss as kids understand what adoption means- and we can't take that pain away - comfort is what we can give

jmont46: The act of comforting can increase intimacy in adoptive families

Kim: My boys always blamed themselves for the way their birth families were just in recent years have they come to realize that an Illness was the cause.

pssinatl: At what age would you start disclosing about addiction? To this point we have told our son that his BPs were sick.

cindy: we are getting near the end of this chat are there any last questions?

jmont46: I would talk about addiction even if they don't understand and keep talking about it- They also need to know for their own benefit

Shannon H: Thank you for so much helpful information!

jmont46: I enjoyed it

Shannon H: - has left the chat -

pssinatl: Thanks a lot.

cindy: that you so much Jeanne for your help and information on this really tough subject

cindy: Are there any last questions?

cindy: Do you have any suggestions on getting a support group for this age group?

jmont46: It is hard getting a support group- I recommend A-Team for kids 11 and up

cindy: thank you again, yes the Ateam is great....

jmont46: I am going to say goodnight

Veda: Thank you.

Kim: Thank you Good Night