Judy: Welcome Amy.

  amya: Hi everyone, please feel free to jump in anytime with questions or what you want to know

  amya: glad to be here tonight

  amya: I am going to discuss sexual behavior in children this evening

  amya: primarily what is appropriate and what you should be concerned about, when you should take action or not

  Shannon H: - has joined the chat -

  amya: Why don't we start with some comments from you about what you would describe as appropriate sexual behavior in children, there are soem behaviors that are developmentally normal

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  Judy: Can you share some of the developmentally normal behaviors that parents often see.

  amya: OK, well let me offer some for you

  amya: all kids engage in sexual behavior, or at least most kids do

  amya: the sexual behavior that is cooperative is the kind we don't worry about for example two kids the same age playing doctor

  faithful: Amy, I have a question about my son. He was at a friends house and saw some pretty sexually explicit stuff. He has been acting out on his sisters. He is nine and his sisters are four and seven. Of course we have put a stop to this and no longer allow him to be alone with them. How concerned should I be?

  amya: or a child masturbating by themselves in private

  amya: well, you bring up a great point

  amya: all sexual behavior we see in children is nto the result of abuse, it's often times the result of exposure

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  amya: it is common for children who are exposed to explicit material to act that information out in real life

  amya: we get concerned when there are a couple of factors present, these include age and coercion

  amya: We get more concerned the older the child is and if coercion is invovled, that is forcing or bribing soemone to do something against their will

  amya: didn't mean to post that twice!

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  amya: Also, if the child does not respondn to redirection for the behavior

  amya: For example, if a child is masturbating in public, no big deal, until he/she is asked to stop and they don't respond to that they continue despite getting in trouble or being teased by peers

  amya: then you would be concerned, so you need to look at the behaivor from that standpoint

  amya: If any of those factors are there, older, coercion, not responding to redirection, then I would be concerned and there are soem pretty specific actions you can take

  amya: Have any of you had children placed with you who hae sexual behavior problems or a history of sexual abuse?

  amya: I'll take that as a no, it helps me to know who the audience is and how much experience that you've had with these types of issues

  amya: There are several factors that contribute to sexualized behavior in children and it isn't always sexual abuse

  amya: As stated previously, exposure to explicit sexual material, living in a sexualized environment, living in homes with little or no physical or emotinal privacy

  Judy: How can you best redirect these children when they begin acting out what they have been exposed to?

  Shannon H: For new foster parents who have never encountered a sexually abused child before, what are the signs they need to look for that might indicate their child has been abused in this way?

  amya: being the victim of physical abuse (this is a common one) and living in homes wiht a great deal of drug use, this seems to cause inhibitions of the adults to become nonexistent

  amya: Two great questions

  amya: Signs of abuse are: nightmares, fear of men, sexually inappropriate knowledge, sexual acting out, regressive behaviors(bedwetting, thumbsucking)

  amya: and of course children telling you that they've been exposed

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  amya: kids that have been abused also often exhibit signs of depression and anxiety

  amya: children may also have flashbacks and be angry and defiant and display inappropriate boundaries

  amya: meaning that they hug and kiss everyone they meet, and that affection just feels different, it is a gut feeling that adults will have when the child offers affection

  Shannon H: With extremely young children, or extremely special needs children, who have been victimized, what tools can a therapist use to find out this information?

  amya: For Judy's question about redirecting children there are some really good techniques out there

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  amya: The first of which is to establish sexual behavior rules in your home that you post and let everyone know about, especially if you have more than one foster child in the home, there needs to be an explcit,clearly stated, model of safety

  amya: You also simply redirect the behavior, don't shame and then offer consequences and impulse control skills

  amya: For Shannon, this is a tough one

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  Judy: How do you know when to seek outside help or if it is something that can be delt with on you own?

  amya: the best way to determine this is to have someone specially trained in talking to children do this, sometimes this is a therapist and sometimes it is a forensic interviewer

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  amya: We should not assume that just because a child is young or has special needs then they can't tell us

  amya: and if they cant', then it's up to us to do the investigation work invovled to determine if it is more likley than not so we know how to respond

  amya: Some therapists use play therapy a lot with younger children to get to this information and drawings, they are great tools

  amya: Judy has a great question about when to seek outside help, probably the one I am asked most often

  amya: There are several characteristics of behavior that signal the need for professional help

  amya: They are: fear or guilt associated with the behavior (beyond the nomral worry of getting in trouble, the kids don't seem to enjoy or be curious about what they are doing) , sexual behavior associated with animals

  amya: let me know if the first one doesn't make sense, hard to explain on line

  amya: Also, behavior that casue pain to self or others, coercion or force involved, verbal or physical expression of anger precede or follow the behavior

  amya: a chid uses distorted logic to justify behavior "she didn't say no", other kids complain about it

  amya: Other kids complaining is a big red flag, kids are pretty good monitors of each other and are also pretty good at not letting things slide that just aren't right

  amya: Also, sexual behavior that increases in frequency or intensity despite requests to stop, adn sexualized behavior directed at adults, kids usually direct this to other kids

  amya: they recognize at some level it isn't appropriate, when they start to direc it to adults some of that awareness is gone and that is concerning

  amya: So, lots of examples of problem behaviors

  amya: what about normal stuff, is it normal for two 5 year old to watn to see each others pee pee??

  Judy: When seeking therapy should you see any child psychologist or should you look for someone such as you who specializes in sexual abuse?

  amya: Sure it is, what about a 9 year old masturbating?

  amya: therapy for sexual behavior problems should ideally be from someone with specialized training, it is pretty specific therapy

  amya: However, for most communities that isn't available easily so a psychologist who specializes in trauma would also be something to try

  Judy: Is there a registry or certification for those with specialized training?

  amya: the nine year old masturbating is also normal, it become a problem when they do it at school or won't stop when asked or use household objects that are painful

  Laveda: What would be the prognosis for a child who has been sexually abused but does not get treatment until the late teen years...possibly after placement with an adoptive family?

  amya: There is not a registry, however finding your local child advocacy center should be able to get you a good referral

  amya: laveda, it depends on the child and the environment placed in

  amya: Specifically, how long did the abuse take place, who was the perpetrator and did the child have any support at all??

  amya: Prognosis can be good if the child was believed and supported, you are most likely to see problems with emtoinal abuse or physical abuse by boyfriends and low self esteem

  amya: to include indiscriminate sexual behavior, lying, and provocative dress

  amya: Never, too late to intervene provided there are no other serious pathology issues, skills can be learned in teen years to prpotect self and not blame self or feel branded because of the abuse

  Laveda: Unfortunately, no support until placed with a family. In a situation such as this what things would you recommend that the family do to support an adolescent who discloses sexual abuse (physical)?

  amya: the adoptive family would need to be supportive of the therapy and putting soem pretty firm limits on problem behaviors associated with abuse

  Laveda: Thank you.

  amya: find a good therapist, listen, tell her it is not her fault 50,000,000 times and be very firm with limits on current dress and sexual behavior

  amya: also answer questions and don't act shocked or embarrassed, in other words don't make it another secret in your home, secrets imply shame

  Laveda: Would you recommend the adoptive parent(s) be included in therapy with the adolescent?

  amya: yes

  amya: parents should always be involved to not be once again conveys shame and embarrassment

  amya: you can send a strong message that you dont' think she is damaged goods adn that you can handle it and so can she

  amya: sorry for all the typos, trying to type too fast

  amya: Another issue that I frequently am asked about is foster children acting out in the home, what to do??

  amya: There are some pretty specific things you can do as foster parents to deal with this and even to some extent prevent or discourage it from becoming a problem

  amya: First, no sexually explicit material in the home, not at all, even if you think it's hidden it's not, kids can find anything if they want to

  amya: that also include some movies or video games that kids without these issues could watch and handle, these kids can't so get rid of it

  amya: this is hard since we have such a sexually explicit culture for teens especially but can be done

  Laveda: Great, I think these are very good examples for adoptive and foster families. For many of them, sexual abuse can be pretty scary.

  amya: Second, encourage healthy boundaries and touch

  amya: means non sexual hugs and kisses on the top of the head not the mouth, it also means that you get to shut the door when you are in the bathroom and that parents rooms are off limits

  amya: espcially for kids who are not used to personal boundaries providing them is very important

  amya: Third, is to respect and encourage privacy

  amya: kids should be made to get dressed with door closed, not walk around in towel, close door when in bathroom or room changing or sleeping and when someone elses door is shut respect that too, you can't walk in on them

  amya: this goes for parents, you don't get to walk in either and you can't walk around in towel or get dressed without door shut

  amya: Fourth, you must be firm about age appropriate dressing

  amya: these kids who are 12 and want to dress like they are 35 might be safe or at least harmless behaivor for kids who haven't been abuse

  amya: for these kids, the only way they know how to get affection, love and attention is to dress that way. They are calling inappropriate attention to themsevles that they can't handle because they missed soem pretty important skills

  amya: this is not even imply that is is their fault is they are victimized again, but you can teach them to respect themselves, which so mnay of these children lack, help them protect themselves when they might not be able to and teach them they are more than that

  amya: Finally, create a sexualy behavior plan for your home

  amya: that should be sexual

  Laveda: What is a sexual behavior plan...wha does it consist of?

  amya: if you have children with a history or who have sexually acted out, you owe to all the children in the home to create a plan and post it in a very visible place

  amya: thsi plan should include specific behaviors that are not OK, this may be common sense to you but not for kids who have been violated

  amya: this plan should also include specific people that kids can tell if soemone touches them in a way that is not OK, with a pledge to act to keep them safe

  amya: and this plan should include specific consequences for sexual actingn out behaivor

  Judy: what would be appropriate consequences?

  amya: this plan should be created as family and openly discussed, again taking shame and secrecy out of the equation, sexual predators are successful because of the secrecy and shame we associate with the act, we just don't talk about it and it helps the predator out

  amya: Appropriate ocnsequences vary by age, but in general they are the same for any other behavior violation a child would have in your home

  Laveda: Should this plan be put into place as soon as a child is placed in the home or should the family get to know the child for a week or so. I am assuming this is a child that has been placed and the history of sexual abuse and/or acting out behavior is known to the placement worker.

  amya: this might be grounding, time out, prevention plan from child, restitution to familymember violated

  amya: spanking is a particularly inappropriate consequence for this behavior

  cindy: what kind of restitution?

  amya: The reason I don't advocate spanking is that it is such a physical violation for a child who has already been violated so often and there is shame involved, it also doesn't do a lot to address the real problem

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  amya: if you know the history, you should do the plan the minute the child is placed or you are asking for trouble, waiting a week is not sending the right message to the child, you are saying we know this and we can handle it and so can you, there is no shame here for this issue

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  amya: appropriate restitution can be many things, for example doing another child's chores, doing extra chores around the house, writing a real impact statement to the child or family

  Shannon H: - has left the chat -

  amya: some of my families keep a list of "big" chores, spring cleaningn type chores, cleaning out the attic, cleaning baseborad and fans adn blinds, detailing the car, etc.. and save them for this type of behavior

  amya: you have to be creative and figure out what works for the child, there is alwyas something, even if it doesnt seem like it at first

  amya: keep trying until you find the thing that works

  Laveda: No, we would not advocate spanking for any child, especially one who comes from a background/history of abuse. I am wondering if the grounding might be too negative for a child who has not been treated appropriately. Might it be better to try catching her doing what is expected, i.e. following the behavior plan.

  amya: yes, you want to praise and catch them doing good, however this type of acting out is really serious

  cindy: thank you this list of chores etc. is very helpful for our families to know

  Laveda: And rewarding for the behavior you are trying to achieve?

  amya: it can have consequences for the child that include YDC, institution plcement or being out of the home temporarily or permanently

  Judy: Time has flown by. We only have a few minutes left. Do any of you have any final questions for Amy?

  amya: you want ot take it seriously and treat it very seriously so you can stop it quickly

  amya: But always reward for not actingn out, hit and run praise we call it!

  amya: it's just not behavior you can ignore when it ocurrs like a tantrum

  amya: thanks all, hope it was helpful

  Laveda: Thank you. This is an area that most parents find very intimidating and often feel they will not be able to deal with. You've provided a lot of great information for parents.

  Judy: Amy, you have given us great information tonight. We really appreciate you sharing with us.

  cindy: thankyou it was a lot of great information

  amya: Enjoyed, have a great evening! going to watch election results now

  Judy: Goodnight Everyone